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Free Agent

"I'm fine being single. I don't need anyone."

Whenever people would ask me, I have a typical response. I don't need anyone. I'm fine being on my own. No drama, no stress, just coasting through life, nothing too high or too low for this gal. 

But there are days when I wish I'd meet someone, just to spark my interest for a little bit. Maybe give my mind something else to think about instead of the negativity around me. Maybe even someone to keep me warm on cold days. 

Whenever my mom would tell me that I would eventually need someone in life when I'm older, I see the sadness in her eyes. At the same time, I don't want to waste my time with someone who would eventually walk away. Because they all do. At least, that's what I expect.

When I experienced my first break up, I decided that I needed to learn to love myself first before I can enter another relationship. That was about six years ago. I love myself to a certain extent. I know what I want now, but I still worry that I am still easily influenced by other people's beliefs. 

I don't want to lose myself like I did when I lost someone I cared about, through a mental disease I didn't even know existed in me at the time. I don't ever want to cry like I did back then. I don't believe it's worth it, to be honest. I've come to a point in life that I've accepted being single. 

Do I want to be single?


But I'm more afraid of a breakup to risk letting anyone in again. Who would want to put up with all the baggage that comes with anxiety? I struggle enough as it is mingling with people who judges me every chance they get, in front of many people, no less.

So, yeah, maybe I'm a coward. That's one thing I'm not afraid of admitting. But I feel like being a coward, being safe, is better than a broken heart...or spiraling down a mental road that would further change me forever...

Surely, I'm not the only coward in the world... am I?

x Ayre

Exploring: Old Town, Temecula

During the holidays, I went on a photography adventure with my friends and our families. Although we have lived in California for over a decade (more for them), we had not truly explored our backyard. So, we decided to see the sights at Old Town in Temecula.

I loved the rustic vibe of Old Town. I almost wished every city looked like it. Nowadays, everything is modernized, but sometimes, I kind of want to go back to the old days and experience the simplicity of life back then.

Walking around this little part of town had me thinking of what it was like before the internet. Granted I was born without the internet, but I honestly couldn't remember what it was like. Cell phones already existed in my generation. Being in Old Town, I could almost imagine people sitting on a porch and just having a good chat about life and family.

I want to go from one city to another and discover what hidden gems there are in each. Sometimes we become so consumed by our work that we forget to go out and just go for a walk and enjoy the sights. Even if we've seen it a million times, surely there are still some parts worth exploring. I find that nowadays I feel like my eyes are always seeing through a lens and I'm able to see the beauty in my surroundings.

x Ayre

It's A New Day, It's A New Life

Happy New Year everyone! 2016 had many ups and downs, but we'd survived it. I hope you all have embraced the new year and are steadily making memories with those you love.

As always with a new year, resolutions are in order. Below are my 2017 resolutions.

Pay Myself First

I wanted to save $5K last year, but I doubt I reached the goal. This year, I want to save more and actually be better at it. I did a google search and saw the phrase "pay yourself first," which absolutely makes sense. I pay my bills all the time, first and foremost, but this year, I will save first, then pay bills, then spend the rest :)

Pay Off One of Three Credit Cards

I have been struggling to take control of my current debt, so this year, I am making it my goal to pay off at least one of my credit cards. I was doing well towards the end of last year, and I hope to continue that this year.

Meditate For 300 Days

I felt great when I meditated for almost a whole month last year, so this year, I'm making it my goal to meditate at least 300 days out of the 365 in 2017. It's time for me to feel zen for most of the year. I deserve it.

Be More Optimistic

I want to put more effort in being positive this year. I have been saying that pain is very comforting to me, but it also is destructive and leaves me alone most of the time. So, I want to find more of the good things in 2017 so I would have a reason to smile more and hopefully be happier.

Create Artistic Videos

I love watching cinematic videos from some of the youtubers I follow, and I hope to do the same this year. I want to make videos that tell a story rather than me sitting in front of the camera all the time, talking about the same sort of things over and over. I want to explore what kind of creative things I can put out there and hopefully still be consistent in uploading once a week.

Log Off

I was doing great logging off by 9:30pm towards the end of last year, and I want to continue doing it this year. I know that by doing this, I would get better sleep and feel much more refreshed the next day, making sure I'm not cranky throughout the day.

Read More Print Books

Finally, to help me shut down in the evening, I want to read more print books. I have so many that I own but have not read, so I want to make it my goal to read more this year. It would also give my eyes a break from looking at a screen ten hours a day.

Let me know in the comments your new year's resolutions :)

x Ayre

Learning When To Say No

"Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway." --Eleanor Roosevelt

Lately, things have felt so hectic in and out of the workplace. I felt overwhelmed in wanting to do everything and wishing that I was superwoman so that I could do just that. However, I had been aware that I tend to crash and burn when I continued in this way in the past.

I didn't want to disappoint anyone, because I also wanted to be surrounded by everyone when I had the opportunity.

You see, I had been quite a solitary person for as long as I could remember, and honestly, making an effort to interact with people whether that was through photography or just to hang out was—and would always be—exhausting. Yes, I enjoy the interaction for the most part, but in recent times, I just wished for one thing and that was to be with myself and hang out with only myself.

As I wrote this blog post, I had such a day. I had interaction over the phone, but mostly, I was alone running errands and accomplishing mundane things. I felt so productive and finally free that I was even able to browse Bloglovin in hopes that a blog post would manifest itself in my head. And voila, I wrote this post.

Anyway, what I was trying to say was that sometimes, it would be necessary to look after yourself. Everyone else could wait because you are more important, first and foremost. 

Don't be afraid to say 'no' to an invitation or 'no' to a project if you know for a fact that you are about to drown.

I had slowly been learning to put myself first and make sure I was okay before pleasing everyone else. Yes, it was and still is definitely very hard, but it would be better to take the time now than to have a breakdown and sever ties from people you actually care about.

Let me know in the comments what you do when you take time for yourself. Do you pamper yourself or catch up on everything you've missed? Or do you choose to vegetate on the couch or the bed? I would love to read about it!

x Ayre

Getting Into the Christmas Spirit

Is anyone still reading? Please comment if you are. Sorry I haven't been posting regularly. My muse seems to have disappeared and now I'm a little bit lost. I'll hopefully have more content coming soon because... I bought the Olympus Pen E-PL8 in white as this year's Christmas present to myself! I am SO the perfect person to buy me a present. I'll do a post about it before this year ends.

I have only been playing with it for two nights, but the photo above was taken the night I received it. I was so excited, I couldn't sleep the night before. At first, I thought I was losing my mind because the picture is yellow in my room. Turned out I just really had bad lighting. I cannot wait to start vlogging again! 

Anyway, I'm so vain that I made the picture above my laptop wallpaper. I'm just so proud of it! I can't wait to see what else this camera can do. I also bought the M.Zuiko Digital 45mm f1.8 lens. I'm not sure yet when I would use it since I'm not a fashion blogger, but I'm sure I can figure it out. Or if you have other ideas, please let me know.

Here's another photo I took of a different ornament :)

As for the holiday spirit, I'm really getting into it. I have bought the main presents already for the people I care about. I went through years without enjoying the holidays, and this year, I finally get to have fun. I have also been learning different wrapping techniques. It's been so much fun!

So, let me know in the comments what you have been up to so far in December and have you started Christmas shopping yet?

x Ayre

Photos in this post are unedited :)