deep thoughts,

Life: Just a Little Bit of Reflection...

12:00:00 AM Arianne 9 Comments

Photo courtesy of Google Images
Hi everyone, this is not my usual post, but after watching Tyler Oakley's latest Q&Slay video, I thought I would do a little post about self-reflection and gratitude.



SELF-REFLECTION
Last week was probably one of the most difficult times of my life. It brought up painful childhood memories, and all the resentment and anger that came with it. It's not because someone passed away, or someone was in an accident. No. It was more of an internal battle. Leading up to it, I was having anxiety because I wanted to stop taking a medication that I have been taking. I will not specify what it is.

My first trigger was work frustration. I was frustrated that I had to go back and find the series of mistakes a coworker made in order to correct them. Sometimes I feel like it's a curse that I'm so detail-oriented.

My second trigger was a family member. I will not specify who it is either. Let's just say that I've since concluded that this person is my biggest trigger of all. They always want to get the last word, even if what they say has nothing to do with the current conversation.

After the second push, I've completely lost it. I've surrendered to depression and isolation. Everything was too much of an effort. Living was too much of an effort. Smiling was too difficult. I couldn't look at people, let alone myself. I couldn't be bothered to greet anyone or start a conversation.

Even when I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, I felt how dead I was inside behind my eyes. I didn't feel motivated to think of happy thoughts, to remind myself of what my purpose is.

I was dead. Inside. I cried at my work desk. I cried while sitting on the couch. I cried silently.

And then, the moment of truth arrived. My therapy session was scheduled on Friday. That day, I was excited because I believed that I would finally be fixed.

Long story short, the session was filled with bottled up tears. It was filled with anger, envy, self-pity, hopelessness, and the biggest of all: SURRENDER. There was only one solution I received, but I thought that it was enough for the time being: DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOUR MIND TELLS YOU TO DO.

Let me explain. If my mind and body is telling me to sleep all day because I'm feeling depressed, do the complete opposite. Force myself to go outside, get some fresh air, and enjoy my surroundings. As per my therapist, it would feel unnatural, but it will be very helpful.

I came home and I felt like I was reborn. I was able to smile again, and my heart felt lighter. I gave myself some more time to mope until Friday night ended.

The weekend went by in a flash, but I was happy. I was grateful that even though I felt completely alone, I realized that I wasn't. The people I live with cares about me, and that's enough.

The biggest thing I've learned from this ordeal was:

Sometimes, you need to look out for your own happiness, instead of worrying so much about other people's feelings. Sometimes you need to give up on some things (or some people) for your own well-being. You have a choice. Take it. Take charge of your happiness. You deserve it.

The final thing I learned is: Family doesn't have to mean blood-related.


GRATITUDE
I want to take this time to list some things I'm thankful for.

  • I'm thankful to be alive.
  • I'm thankful that I have at least three people that cares about me.
  • I'm thankful that I have blogging and Youtube videos as an outlet.
  • I'm thankful that I have very low tolerance for pain. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here right now.
  • I'm thankful that I have acid reflux disease because it forced me to eat even though I didn't want to. It forced me to keep on living because I don't like pain.
  • I'm thankful for having my virtual friend Michelle. Having her support, understanding, and encouragement kept me going.
  • Finally, I'm thankful for the smiles that people gave and will give me. Even when they didn't realize it, they brought me back to life. They lifted my spirits and reminded me that there's so much more to life than tolerating things and people that do nothing but hurt me.

This post is sooooooooooooo bloody deep. I'm sorry if this was boring to you! Regular posts will be back on Sunday :) If you got this far, thank YOU for reading. You're awesome and beautiful.

Check out my bloopers/extras video for the 7 Deadly Sins of Beauty tag for a bit of a laugh :)



Arianne

9 comments:

  1. I love the bravery you show in this post. It's hard to admit these things sometimes, so your honesty will help you so much in the long run. :) I love the advice too! It will feel unnatural to go against what your body is telling you, but once you train your body to understand the cues better, it'll be able to be listened to once more. I'm so glad you're seeing your doctor. Everything WILL get better. <3

    Love you, lady!! XOXO!

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    1. Thanks for all your help! It's a difficult struggle, but knowing I have at least one person that understands fully is enough to keep me going.

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  2. Lovely post. I like your style

    New collection of ALEXANDER WANG
    http://starlingdays.blogspot.com/2014/07/3-alexander-wang.html

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  3. Beautiful post. I'm sorry you've had such a terrible week but you have such a good attitude with it. Not many people would take it as something to reflect and learn on. K I'm feeling a bit cheesy now so I'll shush but again, lovely post!

    Elesaurus

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    1. thanks so much for stopping by. It's hard to always have a good attitude about it. Sometimes it's easier to just stay down... but I'm trying because one day, I want to look back and inspire people with my story :)

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  4. Lovely post! I like how real you were! I'm glad you're feeling better! Excited for more posts! If you had a moment could you check out my new post! I would love your input.
    http://simplyeasierliving.blogspot.com/
    I also just followed you on Bloglovin' if you could do the same!
    Thanks
    Laura

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  5. It's terrible that you were feeling like this as you don't deserve it! I'm glad that you're trying to overcome this and be happy! I hope you're feeling better, and I'm always here for a chat :) xx

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    1. The past 3 weeks I didn't have sessions with my therapist because he was on vacation. That was a challenge for me, but overall, I think I did well. I only cracked once and I've managed to deal with it fairly well I think. I believe it's in the effort that we put in that we can see a difference. It makes sense now because if we don't try, why should we expect anything to change? hah! go me lol

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  6. I'm sure you have more people that care for you- I do! Thanks for this honest post, I am so glad you're feeling better! x

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