Life: Sometimes Loneliness Happens
Photos courtesy of Google Images
Hey everyone, sorry today's post is a type of reflection (a very long one...). I also did not film a new video this week. If you don't like these kinds of posts, I won't take offense if you exit now :) Come back Wednesday for my usual topics.
Oh, you're still here? Well, alright, then... This week was just a big mess of anxiety, stress, and overwhelming things.
I had an interview at the mall. Obviously, I didn't get the job because I still haven't heard from them. Later in the day, I lost my sh** and practically trashed a medical exam room - and that was me fighting for control. I just littered, that's all.. Then, I wished I would have an anxiety attack to guilt the people there, and so I did. Afterwards, I felt defeated and sorry for losing control.
I went back to work for half the time after being on disability for a little over a week. Last week, I felt relaxed without a trace of anxiety. As soon as I came back to work, I started tensing up and having negative thoughts again. I doubted myself and looked at my coworkers wondering what they really thought of me.
I don't remember anything particularly memorable on Wednesday.
I had another interview, but I didn't want it because I thought I already got a job that I interviewed for, either on Tuesday or Wednesday. Anyway, I went anyway even just to get an experience with group interviews. I had to wait for the other candidates because I got there early. While waiting, another candidate was already there and she kept following me. No matter how many times I moved away, she was on my tail and I was getting irritated. It wasn't that she was following me, or that she kept talking to me... it was her smell. I mean, seriously, why don't people just take a shower instead of dousing themselves in rank perfume? I answered the questions as properly as possible, but I didn't care if I got the job.
Have I mentioned what a stressful week it's been? I went to work looking like a cat (blog post here), but then after a couple of hours, I felt grumpy. Afterwards, I went to see my therapist and dumped this whole week on him. He said I need to make sure I always have options to keep myself distracted and going on an upward spiral at all times. I figured I need to bring a pen and paper with me at all times for emergencies. Then I went to the bank to refinance my auto loan, and the person I was meeting was late. Then I rushed to get a blood test, but turned out they wouldn't see me without my insurance card. I left to go and pick up my prescription glasses, and then ran back home to get my insurance card. It was a good thing I looked up the closing time of the clinic because they were closing in 10 minutes and I would have wasted my time driving back. So, instead, I went to another bank to pay off my loan. Finally, I went to Chipotle for a nice takeaway dinner - comfort food if you may.
Something that's been bothering me is the fact that I feel lonely.
- I can count the number of friends I have in one hand.
- I have nowhere to go during the holidays.
- I was told a few weeks ago that a friend of a friend couldn't care less about what I have to say and that they didn't want to interact with me. They only pretended to ask about my well-being out of politeness...
(WARNING: RANT COMING THROUGH)
Let's discuss that last point. Why is this country so superficial and fake? Why do people wear masks of politeness and do small talk when inside they really wanted nothing to do with you? Now I sit in my room wondering where I'll go during the holidays. Even if my my friend invites me to join them for holiday dinner, I would have to decline because I don't want to make their friend uncomfortable. Heck, I'd feel uncomfortable knowing what I know now. They're closer to each other and I'm not. Well, that's just a nice way to boost my self-esteem isn't it?
On the bright side, I got two job offers (including the one on Thursday that I thought I completely messed up on). I want to accept both and work my butt off during the holidays so I wouldn't have to wallow in my own loneliness and throw myself a pity party. At least I'll be making extra money...
I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if this is a depressing post, but I felt writing it might help. Maybe I should go find a really sad movie and cry about it, too, for good measure...
Usually, my reflection posts have something positive in the end... but honestly, I can't think of one right now. Please leave in the comments something inspirational and send lots of hugs my way :)
Thanks for reading...