Life: Can I Run Away?
The first time I've thought of running away, I was back in high school. I felt unloved, alienated, lonely, and all I wanted was to find sanctuary somewhere else. Unfortunately, I had no means of supporting myself, but more than that, I didn't have courage.
Years later, I left home to attend university. I eventually got a car and a job. I now had a means to go wherever I wanted, but I stayed where I was. Fear held me back. Fear of the unknown; fear of fear itself.
As much as I wanted to say I've stopped running, I couldn't. Physically, I might be rooted to one spot, but my mind never stopped running. I avoided the news, whether they were on television or they were gossip around me. I avoided anything that would make me feel.
The last time I saw my therapist almost a week ago, I brought up the fact that I lack the ability to sympathize/empathize with people. It made me sad when I realized that I was not able to say anything when people around me brought me some bad news, or even good news. I felt heartless when I realized I couldn't feel anything when people told me that someone passed away or that someone was in a bad car accident.
My instant reaction was to run away whenever an extreme emotion presented itself to me.
Running away had become a habit that I couldn't break...but I will break it, even if it meant I would have to break myself first. My therapist would help me tear down all the barriers I've erected in order to protect myself so that I would soon learn to let people in.
I'm honestly quite excited to accept the love that I've only pushed away in the past because I feared of drowning in it. I'm excited to accept the friendship that I've only longed for. Finally, I'm excited to accept the emotions that make me human.
Fun fact: That was me in the photo. It was from a short, silent film I did in university ;)