emotions,

Life: Can I Run Away?

12:00:00 AM Arianne 11 Comments


The first time I've thought of running away, I was back in high school. I felt unloved, alienated, lonely, and all I wanted was to find sanctuary somewhere else. Unfortunately, I had no means of supporting myself, but more than that, I didn't have courage.

Years later, I left home to attend university. I eventually got a car and a job. I now had a means to go wherever I wanted, but I stayed where I was. Fear held me back. Fear of the unknown; fear of fear itself.

As much as I wanted to say I've stopped running, I couldn't. Physically, I might be rooted to one spot, but my mind never stopped running. I avoided the news, whether they were on television or they were gossip around me. I avoided anything that would make me feel

The last time I saw my therapist almost a week ago, I brought up the fact that I lack the ability to sympathize/empathize with people. It made me sad when I realized that I was not able to say anything when people around me brought me some bad news, or even good news. I felt heartless when I realized I couldn't feel anything when people told me that someone passed away or that someone was in a bad car accident.

My instant reaction was to run away whenever an extreme emotion presented itself to me.

Running away had become a habit that I couldn't break...but I will break it, even if it meant I would have to break myself first. My therapist would help me tear down all the barriers I've erected in order to protect myself so that I would soon learn to let people in.

I'm honestly quite excited to accept the love that I've only pushed away in the past because I feared of drowning in it. I'm excited to accept the friendship that I've only longed for. Finally, I'm excited to accept the emotions that make me human.


Cheers!


Fun fact: That was me in the photo. It was from a short, silent film I did in university ;)

11 comments:

  1. Aww you must have had such a bad time, it's quite sad reading this. I'm glad that you're feeling more happy now and you're starting to open up :) xx

    Velvet Blush

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    1. I'm sorry it made you sad. I do hope it inspired you towards the end!

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  2. I'm so glad you are making steps to break the fear of running away! What a great step for you! I can sympathies with you. I never liked looking at the news and after the Roanoke shootings(I live close to it) of the reporters in the US and seeing that video I just cant get it out of my head! I have a hard time excepting bad news too but instead I think about it constantly and obsess over it. In a way I try to run from it but its always in the back of my mind. I've held back on a lot of things because I was fearful, fearful of the unknown and that is what I'm trying to work on myself. You got this the first step is admitting that there is something to change, the rest will come, take your time you will get there! Good luck!

    Jasmine :)
    colorubold.com

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    1. a side effect of my anxiety is that it replays all the bad things I've seen or experienced like a never-ending movie, that's why I avoid them. but even if it's scary, I want to break free of them so that maybe I can find true happiness one day. thanks for reading!

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  3. I love this, it's written so well. I've often felt like running away. It's the main reason I moved to France on my own for a year. I realised quickly that no matter how far I go, I can never run away from me which was what I was wanting to do.

    Emotions are hard work. :( I act emotionless around people, but my emotions are like floodgates and as soon as I start to feel, I can't control it and end up a mess. Whether sad or happy news, if I let my guard down I'm a mess. It's awkward.

    Corinne x
    www.skinnedcartree.com

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    1. it's good that you were able to live in France for a whole year. that proves you're stronger than your fear. As for running away from something in your mind, it is difficult, that's why I want to really work on it in therapy, and hopefully I can live without fearing emotions one day.

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  4. This is so well written! I know what you mean about wanting to run away. Anxiety can feel draining and overpowering all of the time, and sometimes the only solution seems to be escaping. Good luck working with your emotions at therapy...I hope everything goes well!

    -Nicole
    Meet Me in Midtown

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    1. thanks so much! I felt kind of poetic, but I guess it did the job. I really hope I can learn to face my emotions head on instead of running away from them... baby steps :)

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  5. love this post and you are so awesome for writing it as it is inspirational in so many ways! Alot of people erect barriers which are so hard to break down but i for one am so proud of you hunni with what you are doing and also you knowing that it will not happen overnight xx

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    1. thank you :) I have a big barrier that I'm scared to take down. It's my nature to erect it even higher when I'm angry as well..

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  6. I can totally relate. When I was in school I always felt like running away but instead I just ran away from my problems. Which lead me into self-destruction. I've built myself back up and I have finally stopped running and started facing my problems. I loved this. 😊

    Alexis | www.everythingandlex.wordpress.com

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