LIFE | I'm Ready, But I'm Scared
It's a little bit personal...
In 2008, I met someone. In a short month, we became almost inseparable. Things were rocky, but we lasted about a year and a half. There were many memories that I'd filed away somewhere in the deep recesses of my brain, possibly hoping to treasure them there, but never open again.
Now, it's 2016. He's married; he has a lovely wife, a really cute baby, and a dog. He seems happy and I'm honestly happy for him. The life he has now isn't the life I pictured for myself. But anyway, I digress...
A year after we went our separate ways, I decided that I wouldn't go into another relationship until I'd learned to love myself and feel secure within myself. It took over five years, but I think I've made it. During Valentine's Day this year, I was mostly oblivious to the occasion. I didn't resent the love floating around, nor did I wish I had someone special to share it with. I was happy just to hang out with my mom because I do love her and Valentine's Day isn't just for lovers. I digress again...
I think I can finally say that I'm finally able to accept myself and my flaws. Though I still have many insecurities, I believe in myself more than I ever did before. I have a job I'm good at, a freelance job that I absolutely love, and a hobby that gives me purpose. But there's one thing left for me to overcome: FEAR.
I'm scared to date. I'm scared of letting someone in, whether as a lover or even just as a friend. I'm scared of opening up and being vulnerable.
What if they take advantage of me? What if they ridicule me? What if they don't understand? What if they don't accept me?
There's so many "what ifs" and I could list so many reasons why I will never be ready. I've become so comfortable at being single.
I can't imagine what it would be like to have someone who would care. Someone who would put me first and someone who would like me even after he discovers all the baggage in the trunk of my car. Someone who couldn't imagine living without me.
It's such a scary thought and I don't like scary things.
When something scares me, I run away.