It's Not Always Peachy...

8:25:00 PM Arianne 0 Comments

Do you remember my Meditation in July blog post? In there, I was so full of positivity and a bright outlook in life. Shortly after I wrote that post, some things went wrong. Granted, I don't remember them now, but I slightly remember not feeling so great.

Now that August is over, I tried to look back and see just how I felt during that month. Honestly, the month was a blur, but what I do remember is that there was one week in which I was incredibly stressed out. I wasn't sleeping much, but that was partly because I stared at my phone every night before bed. And then there was this week; the week when August became September. Usually, with a new month, I feel renewed, but not today.

Today, September 1st, I cried a lot of tears. I was frustrated, I felt trapped, and I felt helpless. It was a difficult time for me. Other people didn't think so, but people who knew me well enough would understand. I felt bullied and helpless because I didn't have the strength to do anything about it.

I was always holding back, thinking that it was the professional thing to do. I always tried to be detached, but I ended up suffering time and time again instead because I bottled all my feelings in the process of detaching.

As long as I'd been an adult, I've still yet to learn how to successfully develop a thicker skin. I'm still afraid that I'd get in trouble if I ever decide to speak my mind. Or that maybe someone wittier than me would point out a major flaw that may or may not even have anything to do with the situation. I live in fear, and that causes me pain. 

As I wrote this, I realized that even then, I was holding back because I didn't want to just openly lay my dirty laundry so that everyone could judge me.

On the bright side, crying my eyes out did make me feel better, but it shouldn't have to end that way. Life isn't always peachy, no matter how much we wished it would be. Sometimes the ocean would swallow you whole and you'd feel like you're drowning. 

But I'm thankful for the friends that I do have for bringing me back to shore when I need it most. I'm not completely alone.

x Ayre