"I'm fine being single. I don't need anyone."
Whenever people would ask me, I have a typical response. I don't need anyone. I'm fine being on my own. No drama, no stress, just coasting through life, nothing too high or too low for this gal.
But there are days when I wish I'd meet someone, just to spark my interest for a little bit. Maybe give my mind something else to think about instead of the negativity around me. Maybe even someone to keep me warm on cold days.
Whenever my mom would tell me that I would eventually need someone in life when I'm older, I see the sadness in her eyes. At the same time, I don't want to waste my time with someone who would eventually walk away. Because they all do. At least, that's what I expect.
When I experienced my first break up, I decided that I needed to learn to love myself first before I can enter another relationship. That was about six years ago. I love myself to a certain extent. I know what I want now, but I still worry that I am still easily influenced by other people's beliefs.
I don't want to lose myself like I did when I lost someone I cared about, through a mental disease I didn't even know existed in me at the time. I don't ever want to cry like I did back then. I don't believe it's worth it, to be honest. I've come to a point in life that I've accepted being single.
Do I want to be single?
But I'm more afraid of a breakup to risk letting anyone in again. Who would want to put up with all the baggage that comes with anxiety? I struggle enough as it is mingling with people who judges me every chance they get, in front of many people, no less.
So, yeah, maybe I'm a coward. That's one thing I'm not afraid of admitting. But I feel like being a coward, being safe, is better than a broken heart...or spiraling down a mental road that would further change me forever...
Surely, I'm not the only coward in the world... am I?