We all have felt hopeless.
In the past month or so, I'd explained to my colleagues and friends that I usually find comfort in pain. Whenever I was upset, I turned to violent movies or dark TV shows to give me a comforting hug. Pain was all I'd ever known. Love certainly was something foreign to me along with all the "nice" things that people experienced in the world.
However, the other day, I discovered something other than pain...
It sounds a bit strange that I'm only now discovering hope, but something clicked in my head, and I realized that I never really knew hope until just a few days ago.
I decided to watch something happy instead of sad because I was content inside thanks to my constant meditation. I was watching montage videos of two fictional characters that I love and the actors that played them in a movie adaptation. The love and respect of the actors for each other on and off screen inspired something in me. I was happy to watch them. I felt elated to see such admiration in their eyes and in the words they spoke.
After watching the videos, I realized how light my heart was. I felt at peace...and that's when I realized that I was able to seek comfort from happy moments. I didn't always have to turn to pain because pain only caused more pain and suffering. Happiness, on the other hand, lifts up the spirit. Drowning myself in joy surely couldn't be a bad thing.
So, I'm resolved to seek joy from my surroundings and to finally accept that it's okay for me to be happy. I can smile and not feel like I'm only pretending.
There is hope that I will continue to be happy and only cry with tears of joy. There is hope that I will finally rid myself of the darkness that constantly surrounds me, always waiting to consume me.
I am hopeful that I will be okay. :)